by Alixia Bovet
Up until recently the quote by Tony Robbins, “Life doesn’t happen to you; it happens for you,” made no sense to me.
In the past, I had been completely unaware of my actions, and such a victim to the circumstances I created for myself. Sometimes I cringe looking back at my story and I’m hoping by sharing it with you, I can teach you the lessons I’ve learned from my mistakes. My obstacles started long ago before I could even remember. You see, I never understood the whole concept that our beliefs about ourselves become the life that is reflected back to us. Hopefully, my story will help put this into perspective for you.
In the summer of 2016, I made a trip back home to Geneva, Switzerland. My mother informed me that she found my diary from when I was 11 years old. As I looked down onto the youthful handwriting, the first sentence that caught my eye was “I hate myself” followed by “God, why am I so ugly and fat? I am surprised anyone would like me because I am so stupid.” Wow. Did I really just read that? I was absolutely stunned to read how poorly I viewed myself at such a young age. The pages following need not be mentioned, as they were just as horrible. Long story short, I hated myself at 11 years old.
I spent my childhood and beginning of adolescence in Geneva, Switzerland. I wasn’t the happiest kid on the planet and dealt with some middle school bullying. My parents got divorced when I was young, which didn’t necessarily reflect a happy and loving home life. I spent most of my younger school years praying for a way out. To my surprise, at the age of 14, my parents let me leave the house and see what life would be like on the other side of the world. I moved to the USA to go to school.
Eventually, over the course of the following five years, I ran into the arms of different boyfriends. There I found happiness, love, and the connection that I was always longing. Remember, internally I hated myself so having someone that loved me became my addiction. Of course, life mirrored back my beliefs (not loving myself) and I fell into the arms of people who wouldn’t/couldn’t love me either. They probably loved me at some point but my needing them to feel validated and loved would eventually tear us apart. The relationships were forced to an end, and I lost myself time and time again by seeking happiness and love through another person. I let the break-ups destroy me, along with my self-worth and self-esteem. Since my love and approval was defined through another person, when the relationships ended, I lost myself. I was defined by being with another person and when I wasn’t with the person that provided me with the love and connection I was seeking, I would do anything to numb my feelings.
Numb the emptiness I seemed to always feel inside. I did this in the form of smoking pot, drinking until I couldn’t remember, controlling my eating, overeating, bulimia, anything that could prevent me from feeling those negative feelings inside. I was constantly searching, constantly needing to feel loved and I couldn’t find it. Someone would tell me I was beautiful and it was as though it went in one ear and out the other. I needed to hear it more because I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that anyone would think I was beautiful; I couldn’t believe that anyone could love me. How could they with what I was doing to myself? I began searching for perfection, I needed to be perfect because maybe then somebody could love me. I somehow always felt undeserving of happiness and would end of self-sabotaging any happiness that I attracted into my life.
I later learned that everything that happened in my life, I attracted.
My beautiful friend and soul sister, Ashley, helped me discover one of my subconscious limiting beliefs: “it is not safe for me to be happy.” We discovered this through one of our hypnotherapy sessions that helps you discover what beliefs your subconscious mind has adopted during your childhood. I had parents who divorced when I was young and because of all the fighting and pain at home, I felt unsafe and guilty for being happy. That belief showed up time and time again in my life as I would prevent myself from experiencing lasting happiness. I now have the belief that “it is safe to be happy” and I feel the happiest I have ever felt. I teach you how to retrain your subconscious mind and change your limiting beliefs in my second eBook.
In the book The Universe Has Your Back by Gabbie Bernstein:
Bernstein uses the metaphor that the universe is your classroom and people are your assignments. She goes on to explain that the universe will give you the same universal assignments until you learn the lessons they are providing. I see now that all along that empty feeling, the constant searching, the pain, the relationships, were all trying to guide me to develop self-love and acceptance.
That understanding didn’t arise until my last relationship. That breakup was the icing on the cake. I’ve never experienced heartbreak like that before. The funny thing is that when you get knocked down to your knees (or rock bottom some prefer to call it) you have nowhere to go but up. I had to figure out why this kept happening to me, and that’s when it dawned on me: life wasn’t happening to me, it was happening for me. I was creating my reality, which meant that I could change it.
Up until this point, I had the crazy belief that a man could save me from myself, that the validation from others would be enough, that if I helped enough people get through their shit, I would never have to deal with my own. Through that heartbreak, I had to heal myself, heal my heart, and heal my life. When I look back, I see that I was just unconscious to what I was creating and attracting. My beliefs were creating my habits and my world. Remember, it all started with the internal belief of “I hate myself” and thinking it is not safe for me to be happy.
Over the course of my life, I also used another escaping mechanism called exercise.
I felt like I had to work out every day, two hours a day so that I could look perfect to the world. I needed the perfect body because maybe then someone would love me. My appearance defined me. Exercise wasn’t a form of self-love and appreciation; it was a tool for control. My eating was a form of control too because quite frankly my life was out of control. I felt guilty all the time for my eating disorders and self-hatred. The words I spoke to myself were horrible! My relationship with myself was a complete nightmare. Looking back, I see that I never knew what it felt like to feel good about myself. I had the perfect body, and people thought that I had it all together, but on the inside, I was screaming “help me!” Luckily, I was surrounded by amazing friends and family who helped keep my sanity. You are probably wondering how I managed to change. After the last breakup, I was finally forced to deal with myself. I began learning and reading everything I could from people I wanted to be like. What is it that they had figured out that I hadn’t? I began meditating every day and it became my happy place. I’ve managed to meditate every for the last year and that’s where I started to find my answers. I finally sat down quietly so that I could be with myself. I was so scared to hear what was going on in my head because I had never done that alone before.
For as long as I could remember, I was terrified of being alone.
I would get panic attacks and freak out because everything I was running from would catch up to me. It wasn’t easy at first, all my fears and feelings came to the surface. All those feelings I had been avoiding, I started to feel. It was overwhelming and scary. I thought that I was going crazy! I thought something was wrong with me. Until one day, I liked being alone. I craved those moments when I could meditate. I started building a relationship with myself and journaling about my experiences. I prayed for help and guidance. I had never prayed before and I honestly didn’t know who I was praying to. Over time, I found myself being guided to the right people, books, videos, places, and experiences that I needed. It was as though my eyes were open for the first time, I was looking for answers and finding them. I realized I had been running from the lessons, running from myself, running from life. I see now that I was led to this last relationship for a reason, the heartbreak caused me to look deeper into myself.
I am grateful now because I can look back on my life and not see myself as a victim, but as a woman running from herself and her truth. The truth that the most important relationship I will ever have in my life is the relationship with myself. All along, the assignments were to love myself. My whole life I led with the beliefs that I hated myself, that I was unlovable, and not good enough. Life gave me exactly that: experiences and people to match that belief.
I’ve learned how to transform myself by reprogramming my mind and my beliefs.
The thought of me ever thinking that I hated myself, that I was unlovable, and not good enough makes me laugh now! How silly to live your life thinking that for absolutely no reason. It’s time we transform ourselves and shine like we were meant to! Exercise is something that brings me immense joy now. I don’t force myself to go every day, heck some weeks I take a whole week off. I eat healthily, move daily, and lift weights a few days a week. I love my body! I don’t ever hear criticism towards myself in my mind anymore. I am forgiving of myself, I feel the most confident and happy I have felt in my entire life. I have all the love and approval within myself. I want you to feel this way, I want to show you how to work on yourself and make YOU, your first priority. It is so important! If you want to transform your life – it starts from the inside. If you want better relationships that mirror your self-worth, if you want the best version of your body, if you want to feel better, if you want to radiate from the inside out, you need to love you.
I am grateful you’ve read my story and open to my help. Self-care, self-love, exercise, and raising your self-esteem are the foundations of my eBooks Bikini Body for Life. This is about activating our inner queens and building a beautiful body from a place of love.
Go to www.alixiabovet.com and take a look at my blog and books.
I’ll leave with the words that have transformed me, “I am willing to change…”